Body Language
More than meets the eye
Come here often?
If you’re anything like me, whenever I hear the term “body language”, it takes me back to the days of being in the bars and clubs where sizing people up by the way they looked, how they moved, and their various facial expressions, would help me determine what they were all about.
Can’t judge a book by its cover? Bullshit!
Ok, so maybe I was onto something back then, but I certainly had no idea that understanding how people presented themselves in public were important social clues that would go a long way toward understanding ourselves and the world around us in pretty significant ways.
Don’t bother me with all those words
We all like to have enlightening and meaningful conversations. Knowledge, wisdom, humor, even an “a-ha” moment can come from speaking with our fellow humans from time to time. We are social creatures and therefore verbal communication is a must.
But it’s not the only way in which we communicate with import.
Body language, in its simplest form, is non-verbal communication. At its most advanced though, body language is a vital form of communication happening mainly below the level of conscious awareness.
When we talk about body language we are referring to facial expressions, gestures, posture, eye movements, tone of voice, volume, and other non-verbal signals. These sometimes overlooked forms of expression will often convey truth, emotion, and intent, without the utterance of a single syllable.
In a world that is dominated by words, spoken or written, understanding the role that body language plays in our development as individuals and as a society, should not be underestimated.
I know what you’re thinking
Long before our species could speak, there was body language. It wasn’t called that of course, remember…we didn’t have words yet. Biologically speaking though, this was our form of communicating with those around us and our ancestors did a good enough job because we’re all still here.
Back in the day, primitive societies used body language to signal threats, navigate social hierarchies, and build (or destroy) alliances. In today’s world we use body language for more personal reasons but the basic principles remain the same.
Is it safe to assume we’ve all heard the phrase, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression?” If the answer is “no” and you’re somehow unfamiliar with that saying, here’s your shot at getting it. It’s pretty self explanatory. We often see things before we hear them. Think about the scenario from the first paragraph of the article. In social situations we almost always see people before we speak with them.
That initial look at someone creates your first impression.
Like it or not, we judge people before we know anything about them. Be it their fashion sense (or lack thereof), the way they sit, stand, or walk, how they hold their arms (folded or by their sides), and many other non-verbal cues tell us a lot about what our first impression of them will be.
Body language, however, is not one-sided. We are being judged by others as well. How we display ourselves to the world gives those paying attention a good idea of who and what we are. Body language should never be the be all and end all of our decision making process. The wrong interpretation, or us giving mixed signals, can derail a possible connection before one has the chance to get started.
“Although our body language governs the way other people perceive us, our body language also governs how we perceive ourselves and how those perceptions become reinforced through our own behavior, our interactions, and even our physiology.”
— Amy Cuddy, Social psychologist and author
I see your bad posture and raise you a steely gaze
Today’s top psychology experts support the idea that body language continues to be essential for all human interaction. This is true at home, in the workplace, and within friendships and romantic relationships. In other words, understanding body language is pretty damn important. I should know since more than one person in my life has stated that I have a “resting bitch face”.
I can’t let that last comment go unchecked without at least a hint of an explanation. Now, there may be too many culturally acceptable phrases and sayings with the “B” word, but this seems like a good time to explore that a bit. I’m sure most of you are aware of the expression, “I’m not a bitch, this is just my face”. Well, I’ve had to pull that out of my word arsenal a few times so I certainly know how annoying it is to deal with.
As we know, most people are unaware of how we present ourselves to others while engaged in conversation or even just in a simple social setting that otherwise seems inconsequential. I, for one, fall into that category at times and in some instances have been called out on it. I’ve been told I sometimes come off as grumpy, mad, or mean. Could you imagine? Ok, well I guess some of it might be on me.
It took a moment of real (like for real for real) self-reflection for me to understand that seeing ourselves honestly isn’t something that comes naturally. While looking at some candid photos my husband once took of me I asked him, “Why are you so bad at taking pictures of me?” Now, he’s not the world’s best photographer but his lack of skill behind the lens wasn’t the real issue. In reality, I just didn’t look like I wanted to at the moment. It was on me to realize how we portray ourselves and that sometimes that portrayal needs to change. We cannot change something, however, that we don’t see or understand.
Knowing how we show ourselves to people while we are genuinely trying to be present and engaged in the moment is a skill that is often underutilized. Some people may not have it, but all is not lost. Just like anything else we do in life, recognizing that there’s always room for improvement, coming up with methods that facilitate said improvement, and putting it to practical use, will help us become better at the self awareness we are looking for.
Dr. Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles has found that only 7% of communication is verbal as it pertains to the accuracy of someone’s true feelings, 38% is derived from how the words are used and said (tone), and 55% comes from facial expressions and other body language cues.
There are 6 common types of body language that are widely studied:
Facial Expressions: The human face is incredibly expressive. We have the ability to silently show happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, surprise, and fear quickly and intuitively.
Eye Contact: Eye movements are expansive and can display a wide range of emotions. Eye contact can convey confidence, interest, and honesty. At the same time, a lack of eye contact might suggest nervousness, deception, or shyness.
Posture: How we stand (or sit) can speak volumes toward our degree of openness, confidence, or status. Different types of posture display different meanings. For example, an open posture (arms relaxed, body facing forward) expresses confidence and openness. Closed posture (arms and/or legs crossed) gives off a vibe of uncomfortability or defensiveness. If you’re leaning forward it tells the person you’re engaged with that you are interested and available to converse. Lastly, we have slouching. A slouching stance is easy to spot and it means you are bored, tired, and disengaged.
Gestures: Verbal messages that are accompanied by hand or arm movements can emphasize feelings and emotions not necessarily conveyed with the spoken language.
Personal Space: This is similar to posture as there are various degrees or zones of personal space. The zones can be described as either intimate (standing or sitting very close), personal (good for conversations with friends or acquaintances), social (formal interactions), and public (interactions with strangers).
Touch: Sometimes common touches can be taken for granted but certain physical actions can convey support, affection, aggression, or control. Handshakes, hugs, a pat on the back, and the like all have their own meanings in the social world.
It’s all about awareness
As is often the case in life, it is sometimes easier to see things in others that we cannot (or will not) see in ourselves. As it pertains to body language, you can see how this plays out.
We are quick to judge what we see and come up with theories and opinions based solely on that principle. It does stand to reason that others are doing the same to us but we’re so wrapped up in what we think about them, we do not take the time to pay attention to our own body language and what it says about who we are.
Self-awareness is the key to understanding and portraying the body language we want the world to see. Here are some helpful hints to that end:
Maintain good posture - Stand (and sit) tall by relaxing your shoulders while making sure your spine is straight. This displays a quiet confidence we should all feel.
Use purposeful gestures - Use hand and arm movements sparingly and only to emphasize positive points of your conversation. Too much movement will come across as erratic and impulsive.
Make eye contact - Here you want to look for balance and sincerity. This shows interest in what the other person is saying and gives them the feeling that you genuinely care about what they have to say.
Mirror others - This doesn’t mean copy or mimic each and every move they make but it does mean you should follow their lead a bit with gestures and expressions as it fosters support and agreement.
Smile - This one is easy. We all know what a genuine smile, coupled with expressive eyes can do for the comfortability and confidence in any conversation or silent interaction.
“When I look out at the people and they look at me and are smiling, then I know I am loved. That is the time when I have no worries, no problems”
— Etta James, American singer/songwriter
Final Thoughts - Embrace the power of the unspoken
What is there left to say? When discussing body language and how it affects our day to day lives, I guess the answer is nothing. Leave the words behind and see what people (and you) are really thinking.
Body language is more than just a collection of gestures, stances, and expressions - it is the silent conductor in the orchestra that is our life.
Connection or division, truth or lies, the ability to move forward or walk away, are all in the invisible hands of body language and our ability to understand what it is telling us.
Communication is at the core of human interaction. Without it, we could not function as a society. Although we tend to go right to the idea of speech when talking about communication, it’s much more encompassing than that. Non-verbal communication, or body language may be an even better marker of how we get to know and exist with one another.
Our lives are noisy enough, especially in today’s technology soaked world. Mastering the gentle art of body language helps us listen better, understand deeper, and communicate more authentically.
Whether it’s in relationships, business, or trying to shine during that first impression, the unspoken but honest signals you send will likely say more than your words ever could.
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