No is a Complete Sentence
Period. Stop!
Did I stutter?
Too often when someone says “no”, it’s followed by unnecessary questions from the recipient. “What do you mean?” or “Why would you say no to that?” and other dismissive gibberish from the offended parties.
No is a full sentence but unfortunately it’s seldom treated as such. There are many reasons for this, some of which we will explore here, but regardless of the reason, anytime you say “no” to someone, it must be respected.
A culture of people pleasing
From the time we were taught to speak, it’s been a widely accepted practice to make sure that whatever came out of our mouths would be nice and polite with the goal of not offending anyone.
“Don’t be difficult”, or “Watch what you say, be nice”, and “Don’t make a scene” are phrases so deeply embedded within our collective psyche it’s nearly impossible to figure out how damaging they really are. We are conditioned to be agreeable and subservient. Especially to those older than us or toward anyone in a position of authority. Although this behavior is taught to us at such a young age, it can follow us into adolescence and throughout our adult lives.
Jay Earley, author of, Finding Your Life Purpose, says, “Often, parents will simply tell kids what to do and never encourage them to assert themselves. When the kids obey, the parents give them unconditional love.”
So as people pleasing subconsciously become attached to receiving love, particularly in a society that has always made things more difficult for women, it’s no wonder that a disproportionate number of people pleasers are women. A recent survey of 1,000 U.S. adult citizens has found that 56% percent of women identify themselves as people pleasers.
We have been taught to please under any circumstance and because of those teachings, made to feel guilty if we failed at it.
This being the case I am quite certain that it’s time to set boundaries.
See this line? Do not cross it!
Personal boundaries are more than just an important part of our self-care, they are a human right. If well-being and self respect are values you cherish (and they’d better be), then make sure you set boundaries that allow you to live exactly, and unapologetically, how you want to.
If the concept of “No is a complete sentence” seems foreign or even bold to you, it’s certainly understandable. That being said, it is imperative that you become comfortable living in its truth.
The great thing about creating boundaries and utilizing “No” as a tool, is it doesn’t have to be confrontational. It must be deliberate, however, and that can be done clearly and with kindness.
Saying “No” is not a weapon. It’s an affirmation.
“Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you stay safe and comfortable in your relationships. Learning when to say no and say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others .”
—Nedra Glover Tawwab, Author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace
It’s my pleasure to serve you
Ok, saying “yes” to almost anything, and depending on who’s asking, is almost always easier than that dirty, little word, “no”. Just because this is true, doesn’t make it ok or healthy. As a matter of fact, it will likely make things worse.
Has anyone ever described you as a “people pleaser”? My guess is, if you’re reading this and have always had a hard time saying “no”, you’ve been saddled with the “people pleaser” label more than a few times.
Psychologists describe the tendency to be a “people pleaser” as the need to accommodate what other people want, while pushing aside their own needs and wants. The need to please is often related to Dependent Personality Disorder, this is also a common characteristic of the Masochistic Personality type.
Why does this happen? Why do we struggle to say no?
Reasons we cannot say no:
Low Self Worth - If you don’t believe your time and needs are valuable, you’ll always prioritize others’ desires over your own.
Fear of Disapproval - We worry that saying “no” will disappoint people or make them think less of us. Our biggest fears are being seen as selfish, lazy, or unhelpful.
Guilt - We internalize the belief that saying “no” makes us a bad person. This is particularly common among parents, care givers, and empaths.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) - No one likes to miss an opportunity. Sometimes we say “yes” to things we know aren’t right for us as to not miss events, connections, or being a part of the crowd.
As it relates to that last bullet…FOMO, I can truly say this one can be damaging. Although all of the above have affected me and caused me to struggle at times, the fear of missing out hits home.
I can remember many occasions when I agreed to things I knew I had little to no interest in but joined in anyway just in case that thing, on that day, turned into the greatest time of my life.
It never did.
The only thing I got from my fear of missing out or even the perception that I was disappointing others, was overwhelming resentment and a case of martyr syndrome. The negative effects weren’t just geared toward me. In putting others' wants and needs ahead of my own, I found myself disliking the people I put first.
In essence, I became a doormat. It got so disruptive at one point that I started to keep a tally of all the times that I’d said “yes” just to throw a tantrum about it if one of the people I put before myself had said “no” to me.
When we don’t set boundaries or preserve our own peace, we stop living a healthy life. When we agree to do things that we know we truly do not want to do, we’re not only hurting ourselves, but we’re being disingenuous to others. How can we consider ourselves as being a friend to people when we’re basically lying about who we are and what we want to do?
We ruin the experience for everyone involved and if we’re not careful, we will soon find ourselves alone and unhappy.
The birth of “No”
We don’t owe anyone an explanation because our lives are our own. Others do not live our lives, walk in our shoes, or know what’s best for us. Why are we always trying to explain ourselves or justify our actions? There’s no need.
Like anything else, we get better at things the more we practice them. Start small. Find situations where saying “no” won’t be the end of the world to those you’re engaged with. Say no to a last minute dinner invitation. There’s no pressure to say “yes” because the person asking understands it’s not likely that you’d be available due to how late the invite arrived.
When faced with a question, take a minute and think about it. Do I really want to do this? What will I get out of saying yes or no? You can always say, “Let me get back to you on that” and lessen the expectation.
Be steadfast and unapologetic in the “no” you deliver. Remember what we discussed earlier, you do not owe anyone an explanation. Do not over explain your decision.
No isn’t negativity energy
Once you realize that saying no isn’t mean, rude, or selfish, you will be more comfortable in its power. Saying no is a declaration of limits. It’s clear, intentional, and decisive.
When you tell someone, “no”, it honors your values and declares your truest intentions. It allows you to choose what matters most in your life, rather than acquiescing or bowing down to the needs of others.
Saying “no” creates valuable space in your life. It helps you focus on what your passions truly are. It guides you toward your purpose, not the whims or desires of those around you.
The word “no” protects your energy. It makes you move away from things you know you’re not interested in doing with a clear head. Having a clear and sound mind will allow you to rest and gear up for what you need to do for you, with boundless and lasting energy to boot!
Yes, please
With so much focus on saying “no”, you may be wondering when it’s ok to say “yes”. Well, it’s all connected.
As you now know, the idea of “No is a complete sentence” is less about disappointing the people in your life and more about you making a pact with yourself that you will only do what fits your narrative so that your story is told the way you intend it to be.
Saying “no” is the road to accepting “yes”.
When you say “no” to toxic people, you’re saying “yes” to peace. When you face distractions and boldly say “no” to them, you happily say “yes” to focus. Every time you say “no” to guilt, you warmly and bravely say “yes” to self respect.
“No is a complete answer. No means I appreciate how much you want this, but I have to say no to you and say yes to myself.”
—Julie Lythcott-Haims, Educator, and Author of How to Be an Adult
Final Thoughts - They’re your words, use them as you wish
Life gives us ample opportunities to see the signs we should follow. The problem is, we too often ignore them in favor of what others might think or feel about our decisions. When that happens, we give others permission to dictate how we live.
It’s time we give ourselves permission to live how we want. It’s time we give ourselves permission to say “no”.
You are allowed to say “no” without explaining the reasons why. You’re allowed to put your mental health, time, and energy ahead of everything and everyone else. And believe it or not, you’re allowed to disappoint people who refuse to accept your “no”, therefore refusing to accept you. You have permission for all of this.
Saying “no” leads to clarity, authenticity, and honesty. There will be countless times ahead when you know saying “no” will be in your best interest but you might struggle with uttering the word.
Those are the times when you need to say it the loudest and with the most conviction. Do not overextend, over-explain, or over-apologize.
Remember, “No is a complete sentence” and you’re allowed to use it.
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