Show me your friends, and I’ll show you who you are.
It’s time to create your own identity
Separate or united?
Human beings are inherently social creatures. We long for connection of various types as our survival as individuals, and as a species, is deeply intertwined with this evolutionary agreement of connection we’ve all made with one another.
Life is one giant party, and what’s even cooler is that we get to decide who’s invited. Parties can be crashed by random people with whom we have no connection to, they can flourish with all of the right guests who know how to rock, or can come to a screeching halt because we’ve allowed the wrong people to attend and ruin our good time.
Let’s focus on inviting the rock stars and learn how to determine who is not meant to be in our personal orbit. It doesn’t mean those folks can’t party, it just means that they need to take their dancing shoes elsewhere.
“People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.”
—Brian A. "Drew" Chalker, poet
Not just a warning
It may seem as though the phrase, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are”, is a mere warning of sorts, a way for other people to judge or disapprove of those you surround yourself with. The reality is, it’s a lot more than that.
Our chosen friendships, professional networks, and social circles provide a deep psychological insight into who we are at our core. The people we surround ourselves with, especially the three to five people we’re around the most, significantly shape our identity. A great example of this is what’s known as “The Contagion Theory”, or “Social Contagion”.
From the Encyclopedia of Mental Health (Third Edition, 2023):
“Social contagion is a ubiquitous process by which information, such as attitudes, emotions, or behaviors, are rapidly spread throughout a group from one member to others without rational thought and reason.
At times, it may be difficult to clearly see this happening in your life, but I know you’ve observed behavior like this many times while watching those around you. Have you ever been in a crowd of people, just minding your own business, when suddenly the mood and vibe of that crowd drastically changes?
Say you’re at a sporting event or concert, soaking in the atmosphere and feeling like all is right in your world and out of nowhere, heads begin to turn, faces display sudden concern, and the air is now dripping with anxiety? You don’t know why, you didn’t see or hear anything to cause such alarm, and yet you take on the frenzied persona of those around you. It happens more often than most of us are aware of.
Fear and panic can spread like wildfire, and when it does, it takes time and a monumental effort to extinguish the flames.
Now, imagine that same philosophy or scenario and inject it into your personal life. Our behavior, actions, thought processes, and the like, do tend to take the shape of people around us. It can be subtle and even slow moving, but if we’re not careful it can fundamentally change who we are as individuals.
In some cases it can also lead to serious mental health issues. Issues such as anxiety and panic attacks, eating disorders, cutting and self-harm behavior, and even suicide, have all been cited as effects of social contagion by mental health professionals.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
—Jim Rohn, Author, Motivational Speaker
Friend or foe?
As social beings, whether we want to admit it or not, we need people. Yes, our “alone time” is incredibly important and valuable, especially if it’s rare to get some, but we need other people in our lives. That’s undeniable.
Family is unchosen, our careers and jobs are varied, different, and can be transient, and acquaintances and strangers aren’t a significant part of our circle. So I’d like to focus on friends since we get to decide who we want to dole out that title to.
Friendship is a two-way street. People must earn the right to become friends. Too often, even without us noticing it’s happening, we invite people into our lives who don’t have our best interest at heart. They have ulterior motives, take more than they give, or are just plain toxic.
When deciding who has the privilege of your friendship, you should consider the following:
Do your friends inspire or drain you? Once you’ve spent some time with them and understand who they are, do you feel energized or exhausted?
Do they support or dismiss your dreams and goals? Do they cheer you on openly or subtly root for you to fail?
Do they hold you accountable and ask for the same courtesy in return? Do they want to challenge you so that you can grow and reach new heights, or do they enable and even encourage complacency?
Do their values align with yours? It’s unrealistic to expect us to agree on everything, but do your friends share important values with you such as honesty, respect, kindness, and ambition?
Be yourself, it’s all that you can do
Most lessons in life seem easier to learn and understand than they are to follow. That’s ok, we are only human and sometimes we need a push or a slight nudge to get to where we know we belong.
Hearing other people’s stories of dealing with this tricky balance or even recalling your own, can be helpful. Remembering times when letting go of what and who we are, in favor of “the group”, are powerful reminders of the need to be (and remain) ourselves.
When I was in high school I remember my aunt, who is like a second mother to me, had what became an eye-opening conversation about my friends. She mentioned how most of my friends probably weren’t going to go too far in life, careerwise (ie: didn’t have plans to go to college or any real ambition), and I defensively said, “Yeah, but that’s not me”. And she curtly replied “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are”.
I was so offended because I was, and still am, a diehard, loyal friend and they were good people. How dare she judge them? But really what bothered me was that she thought I was going to end up nowhere, and that these friends I loved were going to help get me there.
I was offended because my Aunt was right.
It took me a long time to realize how important it is to surround yourself with people that are achieving what you want to achieve. There’s this common social theme, especially with women, to assume that people that have what you’re trying to achieve should be judged, not regarded. The instinct to assume that it wasn’t earned or deserved is strong. The instinct to surround yourself with people that haven’t figured it out yet because that’s what’s safe and doesn’t push you to move into the hard work, is also strong.
What I eventually learned is that the winners can show you how to win, the losers show you how to lose, and the people that sit on the bench, scared to go into the game, show you how to regret not trying. The winners and losers aren’t better or worse because at least they tried. If I’m being honest, I’ve learned a lot more from losing than winning. The ones that are stuck on the bench, though, they’re the ones that will take you nowhere. It’s easy to get sucked into their vortex because they provide comfort and will deliver a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one in this group wins or loses because no one is taking a single risk.
There are many other examples like this one and I’m sure you have more than enough in your life to pull inspiration from. The idea that we can so easily lose ourselves, and all that we’ve dreamed about and worked for, should be concerning enough that we learn the warning signs, take actions to stay on the right path, and ultimately surround ourselves with people who will help us reach the summit of where we want to go.
Final thoughts - Choose your circle, choose your destination
Sometimes the truth is hard to hear but it’s the truth nonetheless. And when it comes to friends, the truth is, not everyone is meant to make the cut. Come to think of it, even people who were friends at one point, may sometimes need to be cut out of our lives if that friendship is no longer mutually beneficial.
This doesn’t mean that people you “let go of” didn’t serve a purpose for you at one point in your life, quite the opposite. The purpose was served and in all likelihood, both parties benefitted, but values may have changed. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, it simply means you’ve chosen growth.
The people around you are shaping your mindset, your habits, and probably your future. If you want to be better off financially, spend your time with people who understand business and money. If you want to get in better shape, hang out with people who prioritize health. If the goal is to be happy, become friends with people who display gratitude and kindness.
If your willpower is at odds with your circle, with your environment, it will fall under the pressures of that environment. It’s up to you to stack those odds in your favor and become the person you want to be.
“Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are” is a call to not only peer inward, but to take a look around the outside as well. What you will see is a reflection of who’s walking with you. Walk only with those who truly want to be there. Your future self will thank you.
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