Is Your Ego Stunting Your Success?
Chickity-check Yourself
I’m right, just ask me!
When we’re alone with our thoughts during our most anxious moments, moments when we lack self-confidence to do basic tasks, not sure how to proceed in a given situation, we always have a trusted internal bodyguard to lavish us with a certain kind of protection.
Sometimes we look into the mirror, other times we close our eyes and take a deep breath, but regardless how we summon the power of our ego, we make sure to bring it out whenever we feel threatened, scared, or unsure. The problem is, despite its best intentions, it doesn’t always help. Oftentimes, it hurts.
As a matter of fact, we have a saying in recovery that goes, ‘when ego is up, self esteem is down’. When someone is displaying a sense of high self importance or superiority, it’s typically because they’re making up for feeling inadequate and insecure. They’re boasting to hide vulnerability and gloating to mask doubt.
When discussing the ego, we are typically referring to the sense of self-importance, identification, and attachment we have to ourselves, regardless of what may be swirling around us at any given moment.
Let’s face it, we live in a world that seems to revolve around competition, creating the need for us to outperform others, and constantly uses comparison to rank where we stand in professional and social settings. Those are some daunting truths that we all face to varying degrees.
On the surface, there is nothing necessarily wrong with those truths, they are in fact a part of life. No one ever said life was easy or even fair. What can become worrisome though, with regard to those traits, is allowing our ego to go unchecked as we navigate said traits. If we’re not careful, things can quickly spiral downward.
An unchecked ego can cloud your judgement and fuel poor decision making. At best it will cause you to make a pretty big mess that you will be left to clean up at the worst possible times, and at worst, people will just think you’re an asshole!
“Our job, as souls on this mortal journey, is to shift the seat of our identity from the ego to the self. That’s it.”
— Steven Pressfield, American author
Can I give you a hand with that?
Just so we’re all on the same page, the ego isn’t all inherently bad. I guess you can say it’s misunderstood or possibly difficult to keep under wraps. It does serve some useful purposes such as the ability to gain confidence in ourselves, set goals and go after them, and the courage to set boundaries when they’re needed. Those are important aspects to a happy and healthy life for sure.
No one would argue that gaining a bit of extra confidence is a bad thing, and your ego can certainly provide that. What we need to guard against, though, is the inflated ego. That’s when things can become difficult. I find this to be especially true for women in the workforce as they struggle between the two. Balance is what we’re after, so if ego is low self esteem, then confidence is when the ego and self esteem are aligned, or in harmony with one another.
Without achieving that balance, an inflated ego can go rogue looking for validation, control, superiority, and a blind defense of self that can border on real danger. It’s easy to scream, “I’m the best” at certain times, but let’s pump the brakes a bit, ok?
It’s during these times when we must recognize we may be in over our heads and can use some help controlling the egotistical beast within. It’s here where displaying some humility, ya know, maintaining a modest view of your own self-importance, might serve you well.
Help can come in many forms and from different people in our lives, including of course, ourselves.
Ways we can keep our ego in check:
Self Reflection: Whenever you are motivated to do something or when decisions are needed to be made, set aside some time to seriously consider all of your options either by journaling, quiet meditation, remembering a similar situation from your past, and lean on your experience to handle what’s in front of you right now.
Pause Before Reacting: When faced with a difficult situation or dealing with powerful emotions, do not react right away. Ask yourself, “Am I looking at this from an honest and realistic point of view, or am I simply reacting to how I feel?” Creating a little space between stimulus and response is crucial to leading with reason and logic and not your ego.
Admit You May Be Wrong: Saying “I may have gotten that wrong” or “I don’t know the answer”, is never a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of maturity and honesty. Those statements will allow you to learn, collaborate, and make smarter choices. You do not have to have all the answers, no one does.
Ask Better Questions: Instead of asking, “What makes me so great?” or “How can I win?”, ask more well-rounded, bigger picture questions. Try something like, “What am I missing?”, “What’s the smart move here?”, or “What can I learn from this?”
Understand How You’re Perceived: The way we view ourselves can sometimes be different from how others see us. Don’t be afraid to ask those around you how you’re seen in their eyes. Be direct, “Hey, in that last meeting, did I come across like a total dick?” Now, if you’re going to take that route, be prepared for the answer (and be prepared to change if need be), and only ask people who will tell you the truth.
Let Go Of Ownership: Great ideas can come from anywhere. Do not throw something away simply because you didn’t think of it first. Think more about what serves the greater good and not whose idea it was or who deserves the credit.
Embrace Dissenting Opinions: If you think you’re the smartest person in the room, you need to find another room! Disagreements are not threats, they’re opportunities to grow and learn. Surround yourself with people willing to challenge you and who won’t say “yes” to everything you have to say.
We’re not as big as we think, and that’s ok
Self-preservation is as basic an instinct as there is for us mere mortal beings. It makes perfect sense that we all want to make the most of our lives while we’re here roaming the earth.
That’s the easy part. The hard part creeps up as soon as we start asking ourselves questions we rarely have answers to. Questions about how to be happy, fulfilled, and successful. The reason those answers are so difficult to come by is because our lives, as well as our environments, are constantly in flux.
We’re a mobile species, mentally and physically.
So as we move, evolve, and reshape who and what we are, it’s difficult to rely less on our ego and more on the array of possibilities that awaits us if we would just be open to them. The ego is a shield and protection is a big part of self-preservation. So we hang on too tightly sometimes and inevitably, we lose our grip.
I find it helpful to take in the staggering scope of the world around us and instead of letting it overwhelm us, understand that we need to find our place within it, and stop trying to conquer it thinking that’s how we will “win.”
Whenever I've been in a high ego stance, the universe tends to put me in check “get humble or get humiliated” is another saying from recovery. There has been more than one occasion where I've been in a meeting whether at work or in my personal life trying to solve a problem and found myself ignoring the least experienced person in the room only to find out they had the best idea for solving the problem.
They were far enough removed to be creative or they were far enough removed to remind me how insignificant the problem I was being dramatic about actually was.
Being open enough to listen to the people you'd least expect to save you is the exact opposite of ego. You win by keeping your mind open to the things you would least expect. Looking for nourishment from the same source will eventually find you malnourished. Honoring that everyone has something to offer and checking your ego at the door is key.
I think about words such as rational, collaborative, impactful, flexible, and courageous and how we can achieve so much more of what they mean once we loosen the death grip of our ego and allow for a wider, more inclusive mindset to take over.
When emotion, identity, and self-worth are no longer dictated by, or tied to the control of your ego, you will feel lighter, more engaged, and see things in a more crystal clear way. It’s ok to be scared and confused at times, but once you realize you don’t (and can’t) defeat everything, and that some things will always be bigger than you and your ego, you will move beyond it all with strength you didn’t know you had. In other words, you will move into confidence!
“My lips are shakin’, my nails are bit off. Been a month since I heard myself talk. All the advantage this life’s got on me, picture a cup in the middle of the sea.” - From the song, “I Got Id” by Pearl Jam
— Eddie Vedder, Singer/Songwriter
Final Thoughts
Wanting to act with humility and kindness is a goal most of us share. As is true with many things in life, that can be easier said than done. One sure way to accomplish this particular goal, however, is to learn how to deal with your ego in a new and positive way.
As soon as you realize that too much reliance on your ego can hinder your well-being, you will apply what you’ve learned today and become less self-centered, and more open to possibilities you may have shunned before.
It’s true that our ego wants to protect us, wants to keep us confident, safe, and in control. Too often though, it’s over protective and it winds up shielding us from bettering ourselves as a result.
We are faced with numerous decisions throughout our daily lives. Stepping away from our ego and admitting we don’t know everything, listening to the advice and concerns of others, prioritizing results over recognition, and being humble enough to change course, will not only serve you well, it will change your life for the better.
Let’s start getting out of our own way so we can make room for a better, smarter, and healthier way.
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